Setting Limits with Questions...

Limit setting with kids can be difficult. This relates to my former post on Discipline: what is it?
When it comes time to actually set and enforce limits there can be a couple of results. One result is that a limit is set and it is followed. Simple. Sometimes there is a bit of complaining (mildly testing limits) but ultimately the limit is followed. Then there are the times where testing limits happen on a more serious level. These are most likely to result in some form of power struggle between adult and child.

One way to manage limits and keep power struggles to a minimum is using questions. Essentially when a child "challenges" a limit they are both questioning authority and experimenting with their own power. With careful attention the adult can answer a youngster's questioning behavior with a question. Here's a very basic example:

Jane, age 7, is nearing her bedtime (8:00pm for example). It's 7:45 in this example. Bedtime is defined as being ready to get into bed, not starting the bedtime routine of reading, brushing teeth, getting PJ's on, etc. Jane begins to question and negotiate the idea of playing her new playstation game just for a little bit before bed. Although this is a basic test of a bedtime agreement it is one that could turn ugly if allowed to.

[sidebar: To help this work, adults and kids need to negotiate "rules" as kids grow and expand their need for power and freedom. Sometimes the word -rule- can set up a negative script, I prefer the use of an agreement. An agreement is inherently inclusive of both parties participation.

Question #1

"Jane is it getting close to 8:00, and, is there enough time for everything else to be taken care of first to keep our bedtime agreement?" The use of this question encourages a couple of things:

• responsibility in Jane, for she retains some power and is forced to practice some self monitoring skills regarding her remaining minutes until the bedtime agreement.
• a presupposition that includes holding to the "agreement" or agreed bedtime for Jane. By presupposing the adult is not forced to argue or make a "top-down" decision...it is a negotiation.

Now if Jane holds firm and says "But I really just want to try my new game..." and it looks like she is going to press this, what then?

Question #2

"I hear that you want to play it really badly, and have you considered how that will affect your bedtime and ability to play your game tomorrow? "

• The use of the word --and-- instead of --but--. Language is powerful. When we hear "yes, but..." we automatically feel a sense that our idea was defeated. In this example you are validating her wish to play AND refocusing her on the consequences of breaking her agreement.
• still the adult is not taking an authoritative stance, but is guiding Jane to think and evaluate consequences. This might not have gotten this far if the adult went right to "rule enforcement" mindset.
• there is still room for "rule enforcement" but we have introduced the possibility that Jane can make the right choice for herself and this practice of decision making will encourage it's own sense of power and freedom. It encourages self-discipline and self-control.

Although this example is very basic and may seem too simplistic most of us could agree that the biggest power struggles happen of very small issues, even among adult relationships. By using questions that empower, not disempower, we can foster self-discipline and encourage responsibility while often getting what we desire. Not a bad result!

Discipline: What Is It?

In working with children, teachers, school administrators, and families the topic of discipline comes up all the time. But before we can enter a meaningful discussion on discipline we first need to speak the same language. For some the idea of discipline is simply about following rules while others see discipline in an entirely different way. How do you describe discipline?

True, in a military sense discipline would mean "training to act in accordance with rules; drill." When working with children, especially less resilient kids, a different framework or interpretation may be helpful. In our work with children of all ages it is vital to recognize children who lack self-esteem or have a negative view of adults present a serious challenge when discipline in the military sense is required of them. Instead, a change of how we view discipline can be helpful.

Often it helps to view discipline as a process of teaching. But what to teach? Do we teach about what the rules are? Maybe. Or is it more helpful to foster one's own self-discipline and self-worth so that they feel a greater sense of power, control, and security in their lives? With fragile and highly sensitive kids this becomes a profound distinction. Let's look at this practically from a real case example.

Case Study #1 (all names have been changed)

Johnny, aged 10, has a great sense of humor and enjoys game play. He is able to laugh at himself upon supported reflection but struggles with organization, focusing, and often interrupts class lessons. He frustrates easily especially with friendships and "constructive criticism" (rule enforcement). Johnny has a history of sexual abuse and the parenting styles between his mother (highly emotional) and father (discipline, military style) differ greatly.

Johnny came for support after receiving adult feedback from his teacher that he needed an "attitude adjustment." The teacher reported that he was not respectful to peers or adults and needed a better attitude before returning. His view of the problem was that he felt that the teacher always picked someone else first in line and that he really wanted to be first. He described in his own way that he felt that the teacher wouldn't listen to his side and that she wanted him to be perfect. There was more to the story (often is) but suffice it to say that this view was not shared by the teacher (the two "realities" clash).

To address this problem it was important to recognize and tune in to Johnny's view of the adults in his life and to recognize his main strengths. As often happens Johnny made a parallel comparison of his teacher and his father who he describes as "he always wants me to be perfect." We understood Johnny's perception/reality and together devised a plan to help.

Intervention: After some attentive listening I wondered with him if he wanted to make his line-up problem a game (he likes games remember). Johnny laughed and agreed that this was a great idea. Together we made a list of all the great things about actually being at the back of the line! He decided there were many positives to being at the back such as "you get to see who's messing around" and there's no chance of being bumped into or people playing tricks on you." We decided to try this for one week (his suggestion) and that every time it was time to line up Johnny would volunteer to be last. We agreed that if the teacher rejected his idea that he would comply and go where she told him to go.

In doing this "experiment" it was important to build a future picture for Johnny. Normally future-oriented questions are useful in doing this.

Questions:

1. Who will notice first that you are actually volunteering to be at the back!?
2. What will that person say or do to let you know that they noticed this difference!?
3. After one week of winning at this game how do you want to be rewarded?
4. Hey, how confident are you that you can win and continue this for the whole week?

Other questions were used too, all with a future-orientation in order to build the new reality. We find it important to project with kids about possible "hurdles" along the way in order to prepare them.

Result: Johnny's "attitude" changed immediately when he was able to change the framework of rule following into some game play (teaching self-discipline). In this case it's easy to see that the game play was really a lesson in self-discipline and practicing self-control. For a kid who "always wanted to be first" to a kid who could practice planned self-restraint this game worked for him. By the way, the reward he chose was a special lunch in the "support room."